I care way too much what you think.

It is with great satisfaction I sit before this screen in the midst of silence. Daily life gets in the way and it's like, how does anyone have time to update the world on their life when you're too busy living it? 

yet we find time. 

Everyone remember's the hackneyed song we use to sing as children when picking on someone who had a crush. Come on you know you know it...don't hesitate to sing along, "____ and ____ sitting in a tree k.i.s.s.i.n.g. FIRST comes LOVE, THEN comes MARRIAGE, THEN comes a BABY in the baby carriage." Pretty irrelevant, but yet somehow morally, with or without Christ, we are instilled with this logic of, first love, second marriage, and third baby. We don't always live up to this inner conviction that has lain with us since youth, but in a world without Christ it is still something humans strive for, even if it is in vain.

When I found out I was pregnant with Blaine (unplanned (in my eyes), unmarried, bad timing (again in my eyes)) I received more praise from friends and family then I could ever expect. Although I was "worldly" and living for me during that time period I had a sense of being in the wrong. No one thought I was, they were all happy for me, yet even in my excitement I didn't like how it "looked"; I didn't like how it didn't live up to status quo; I wanted my life to be portrayed as, in the simplest of terms, perfect. Somewhere deep inside I had been taught (not just from the song) that I should be married before I had a baby, and this just didn't work with my plan; My plan of being perfect in the eyes of others, well, had been shot out the window, because here I was unmarried and expecting a baby. 

Fast forward five years (yes. It has been FIVE years since I was last pregnant) and although my sense of logic has changed, I still believe in this love, marriage, baby children's song. Not just because morally it feels "right" and it's socially acceptable, but for what the living breathing word says. I knew once after giving my life to Christ I would do things His way and not for my own vain deceit. 

Then comes Josh, and everything falls into place. First love, Then marriage....and THEN (unexpected and totally unplanned) BABY! 

My cousin and best friend Brittany is the only one who can attest to the anxiety attack of emotions surging through me moments after finding out. Of course I was happy, but Oh Dear Lord I was so scared for some reason. 

Which brings me to what I've really been wanting to say. You can come to the conclusion that before Christ I cared deeply about what others though of me, and to be honest, not much has changed. 

Upon confidentially announcing the expectancy of baby #2's arrival in summer 2014, you would have thought I had told people I was expecting and didn't know who the father was. Although I had people who were genuinely really excited for me, I too had people who were disappointed and upset with me. What? I don't understand? I for once followed the steps?  It sent me into a depression. I didn't recognize it at first, but by the time I did it was too late. Because of the thoughts of others I climbed into a shell. I shut everyone out. I adapted social anxiety, and I washed myself daily with lies straight from the pit of hell. I truly believed that I had sinned, and that I was in wrong standing with The Lord and with others. 

My heart is still not healed, but I am being washed with truth day by day, little by little. I have learned through this that regardless of doing things the right or wrong way people will always have opinions, and they don't necessarily always match mine. I am learning to be ok with that; to be ok with not everyone is going to agree with my life. I have nothing to prove to anyone except The Lord. 

In the midst of something like this I am thankful to have been pushed on my knees in total abandonment only to look up and see whom I really should care about pleasing. It takes so much burden off my back when looking at it from that perspective. 

My husband sent me Habakkuk 3:17-19 yesterday and it really spoke to me because Habakkuk didn't understand why there was so much evil in the land and it lead to him questioning God. In the end God said it was under control even if he didn't understand. 

Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet i will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's;
he makes me tread on my high places. 

Two thousand + years later and here I am gleaning from the words of Habakkuk; Although I don't understand why things happen, I know The Lord our God is in control. Though I do not understand YET I will rejoice in The Lord.

Sometimes we rant.

I'm calling bull crap. 

 We as believers, cling to the ideology that we have it all together; that we are clean and healthy (spiritually) lacking in nothing. Are we not bothered by this? 

Life is hard as it is; Why must we be so fake to one another? 

Is it not biblical to be real with one another? 

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be heeled. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." James 5:16

Maybe it's just my current frustration of the season; I started this post a month ago and just now came back to it as if it were just as fresh as the day I first laid my fingers on the keys to write this. 

It is to my understanding that, yes, not everyone is the same, and I know that I am blessed daily with the gift of vulnerability and openness, so for me to expect that of everyone is wrong of me, but I cannot help but feel discouraged when countless believers rant and rave about how their life is perfect and how GOD IS SO GOOD! 

Yes, God IS good, but is he not when things are well, not? 

Is God still good when your life is less then perfect? If so, then why do we as believers leave these bits out when speaking to one another. I am guilty of the very thing in which I speak of so I too speak to myself, however it is hard to walk through life thinking, "something is wrong with me." because no one steps up and shares their similar struggle. COME ON PEOPLE, THERE IS POWER IN OUR TESTIMONY! OUR DAILY TESTIMONY!

I myself am far from being healthy (spiritually); it would just be nice to do life with people who find James 5:16 sagacious and unassailable. 

Weither many or few read this; I hope this find's you well. My prayer is that through our failures, mishaps, and struggles others may come to know the act of vulnerability and that we as a body of Christ find strength and hope, as well as forgiveness and compassion in each others shortcomings. 

In Him, 

Lauren Folk

Hope, arise.

The urge. It's always there. To write, that is. It hits at any given moment and like vomit you scurry for a place to expel what must come forth. In the midst of my day I catch a glimpse of a God whom, when searching, shows himself.

These past few weeks (more like months) have been very humbling. Not only is our toilets not working, (one doesn't flush at all and the other flushes but takes 3-4 days for everything to go down with excessive plunging) we are not allowed to do anything to fix them. Which, unfortunately, results in us having to go up to Tomb Thumb every time we need to use the restroom. Without going into too much detail of what we are going through, I will say, satan is attacking and most days we have been left hopeless.

  We have been so preoccupied with this specific trial, little time has been put into eating properly and by properly I mean, we have not been eating at all. So, In the middle of Josh showering and me venting to Josh and God how I am just hungry, and too tired to make anything, hope arose. A knock at the door was in fact the start of our hope. Josh jumps out of shower putting on clothes; we both thought it to be our landlord. We open the door and there stands a man and a woman with bags in their hands. They proceeded to say hello and asked us if we would like 'supper'. Every part of me wanted to say no, I mean, we are more the finically able to provide for ourselves–shouldn't someone else who needs it be more deserving? Before I knew it, 'yes' was coming out of my mouth and two hands, that didn't feel like my own, were receiving a bag of prepared food. In the moment I felt like time stood still, I was just taken aback at how, for a second, I could feel and know that the Lord is near to the brokenhearted. After thanking God's servants, shutting the door, and walking to the kitchen, we began to prepare the meal (which in this case was only grabbing forks). Taking our place in the living room, Josh on the edge of the couch, me in the rocking chair, we begin to eat in silence. Our thoughts were the same, words wouldn't give due justice, so silence remained. There too was a large dinner roll in the bag, I took it out and before realizing it, I broke it in two and handed half to Josh. He wept. Could it be, were we really witnessing the heart of Jesus?

And he took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body, which is given for you. Do this in remembrance of me.” Luke 22:19

Josh returned to his shower. I cleaned up. But before throwing away the bag there remained a piece of paper in it that read: 

"Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalms 37:4

There’s my cue; I wept. It meant everything to me. Psalms 37 has been our hearts cry during this whole process and the fact that God used it to give us hope was far from what we ever expected. What a great God we serve. 

I walk away from this computer screen a new person having been washed with the word of truth. If you are reading this and are going through trials of persecution, read this Psalm (37) and let it wash you too. 

Fret not yourself because of evildoers;

be not envious of wrongdoers!

For they will soon fade like the grass

and wither like the green herb.

Trust in the Lord, and do good;

dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the Lord,

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in him, and he will act.

He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,

and your justice as the noonday.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;

fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,

over the man who carries out evil devices!

Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!

Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.

For the evildoers shall be cut off,

but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.

In just a little while, the wicked will be no more;

though you look carefully at his place, he will not be there.

But the meek shall inherit the land

and delight themselves in abundant peace.

The wicked plots against the righteous

and gnashes his teeth at him,

but the Lord laughs at the wicked,

for he sees that his day is coming.

The wicked draw the sword and bend their bows

to bring down the poor and needy,

to slay those whose way is upright;

their sword shall enter their own heart,

and their bows shall be broken.

Better is the little that the righteous has

than the abundance of many wicked.

For the arms of the wicked shall be broken,

but the Lord upholds the righteous.

The Lord knows the days of the blameless,

and their heritage will remain forever;

they are not put to shame in evil times;

in the days of famine they have abundance.

But the wicked will perish;

the enemies of the Lord are like the glory of the pastures;

they vanish—like smoke they vanish away.

The wicked borrows but does not pay back,

but the righteous is generous and gives;

for those blessed by the Lord shall inherit the land,

but those cursed by him shall be cut off.

The steps of a man are established by the Lord,

when he delights in his way;

though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong,

for the Lord upholds his hand.

I have been young, and now am old,

yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken

or his children begging for bread.

He is ever lending generously,

and his children become a blessing.

turn away from evil and do good;

so shall you dwell forever.

For the Lord loves justice;

he will not forsake his saints.

They are preserved forever,

but the children of the wicked shall be cut off.

The righteous shall inherit the land

and dwell upon it forever.

The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom,

and his tongue speaks justice.

The law of his God is in his heart;

his steps do not slip.

The wicked watches for the righteous

and seeks to put him to death.

The Lord will not abandon him to his power

or let him be condemned when he is brought to trial.

Wait for the Lord and keep his way,

and he will exalt you to inherit the land;

you will look on when the wicked are cut off.

I have seen a wicked, ruthless man,

spreading himself like a green laurel tree.

But he passed away, and behold, he was no more;

though I sought him, he could not be found.

Mark the blameless and behold the upright,

for there is a future for the man of peace.

But transgressors shall be altogether destroyed;

the future of the wicked shall be cut off.

The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;

he is their stronghold in the time of trouble.

The Lord helps them and delivers them;

he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,

because they take refuge in him.

Love,

                          Lauren Folk