It is with great satisfaction I sit before this screen in the midst of silence. Daily life gets in the way and it's like, how does anyone have time to update the world on their life when you're too busy living it?
yet we find time.
Everyone remember's the hackneyed song we use to sing as children when picking on someone who had a crush. Come on you know you know it...don't hesitate to sing along, "____ and ____ sitting in a tree k.i.s.s.i.n.g. FIRST comes LOVE, THEN comes MARRIAGE, THEN comes a BABY in the baby carriage." Pretty irrelevant, but yet somehow morally, with or without Christ, we are instilled with this logic of, first love, second marriage, and third baby. We don't always live up to this inner conviction that has lain with us since youth, but in a world without Christ it is still something humans strive for, even if it is in vain.
When I found out I was pregnant with Blaine (unplanned (in my eyes), unmarried, bad timing (again in my eyes)) I received more praise from friends and family then I could ever expect. Although I was "worldly" and living for me during that time period I had a sense of being in the wrong. No one thought I was, they were all happy for me, yet even in my excitement I didn't like how it "looked"; I didn't like how it didn't live up to status quo; I wanted my life to be portrayed as, in the simplest of terms, perfect. Somewhere deep inside I had been taught (not just from the song) that I should be married before I had a baby, and this just didn't work with my plan; My plan of being perfect in the eyes of others, well, had been shot out the window, because here I was unmarried and expecting a baby.
Fast forward five years (yes. It has been FIVE years since I was last pregnant) and although my sense of logic has changed, I still believe in this love, marriage, baby children's song. Not just because morally it feels "right" and it's socially acceptable, but for what the living breathing word says. I knew once after giving my life to Christ I would do things His way and not for my own vain deceit.
Then comes Josh, and everything falls into place. First love, Then marriage....and THEN (unexpected and totally unplanned) BABY!
My cousin and best friend Brittany is the only one who can attest to the anxiety attack of emotions surging through me moments after finding out. Of course I was happy, but Oh Dear Lord I was so scared for some reason.
Which brings me to what I've really been wanting to say. You can come to the conclusion that before Christ I cared deeply about what others though of me, and to be honest, not much has changed.
Upon confidentially announcing the expectancy of baby #2's arrival in summer 2014, you would have thought I had told people I was expecting and didn't know who the father was. Although I had people who were genuinely really excited for me, I too had people who were disappointed and upset with me. What? I don't understand? I for once followed the steps? It sent me into a depression. I didn't recognize it at first, but by the time I did it was too late. Because of the thoughts of others I climbed into a shell. I shut everyone out. I adapted social anxiety, and I washed myself daily with lies straight from the pit of hell. I truly believed that I had sinned, and that I was in wrong standing with The Lord and with others.
My heart is still not healed, but I am being washed with truth day by day, little by little. I have learned through this that regardless of doing things the right or wrong way people will always have opinions, and they don't necessarily always match mine. I am learning to be ok with that; to be ok with not everyone is going to agree with my life. I have nothing to prove to anyone except The Lord.
In the midst of something like this I am thankful to have been pushed on my knees in total abandonment only to look up and see whom I really should care about pleasing. It takes so much burden off my back when looking at it from that perspective.
My husband sent me Habakkuk 3:17-19 yesterday and it really spoke to me because Habakkuk didn't understand why there was so much evil in the land and it lead to him questioning God. In the end God said it was under control even if he didn't understand.
Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet i will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's;
he makes me tread on my high places.
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet i will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's;
he makes me tread on my high places.
Two thousand + years later and here I am gleaning from the words of Habakkuk; Although I don't understand why things happen, I know The Lord our God is in control. Though I do not understand YET I will rejoice in The Lord.
